Difficult??

I havent written in so much time I dont know what to put down....what should it be?? maybe why is it hard for me to have a normal relationship with people whom I truly enjoy their company....maybe its because Im so jealous of my friendship...with them....or maybe because....I honestly dont know why.,...just like its hard for me to understand why I cant  have a girlfriend....since I can have plenty of lovers....what do I need to change for that to happen??? Can someone help me with that?? I pretty much doubt it....change is within, but what is it that I need to change?? I thought I knew myself but Im starting to figure out that I dont know myself at all...or is it the midlife crisis everyone so much talks about...I havent been able to mature...like I should...havent I let go of my demons from the past?? I thought I had....so what is it that makes it so difficult....someone answer for me...if you dare....