Lost in thought

I was sitting right in front of the ticket counter at the airport, lost in thought struggling with my emotions and looking at life coldly, where I have been and where I am heading....knowing I had said goodbye to people I really didnt care for except one, but most important my past and my future...I was lost in thought....to an afternoon in 1997....where I had assaulted a guy and stolen his car....running from the police and my stomach turning when I heard a siren or looking over my shoulder certain someone was behind me...or another night when I escaped from a jail and had police chasing me for an hour and a half and had a car accident....but at then end getting caught....and losing my freedom...my freedom which I didnt have for many years, something I hold dear to me....and I come back from my thought with her question....will I buy it?....my ticket out of here to a suppodesly change of life....a new beginning with a bad start...I told her to give me a minute....Im still struggling I bought my dogs cage to travel....I have her health certificate....my stuff is ready...I should go and forget everything here everyone...here nothing left for me.....I should go.....but hold on a minute....

lets think about my future now....I arrive to where Im headed....rent a place....spend new years partying like there is no tomorrow...yet my heart is empty...I left someone behind...I promised I wouldnt leave....then all I had finishes, cant get a job...I have to start dealing again...start bashing in heads....start earning respect again...where I dont need to earn it ....Ive had it its nice, its great....but its my past all over again....and like a great American philosopher once said "those who do not remember their past are condemned to repeat it..." and o how I remember my past and I dont want it anymore....

also there is a promise I made...I will be near you always...although I find it difficult that you will call...although I wish with all my heart you tried....but if you dont want it I cant force it and thats the best love I can show you....like another saying in spanish goes... "dejala ir y si regresa es para ti y si no nunca lo fue..." although it aches my heart more than I can express with words to let her go....but you have to learn your own...way...and maybe see that what my heart wants for you is pure...and when you are with someone else you will remember me....I am sure of that....even though if its for a little while....and then you forget me....but...my love for you although is not granted is there.....

So again they ask me if I want my ticket and I say no....I go back to my house....expecting that one tuesday...you arrive....that day will always be free...for you....I know you understand all I have said....

I need no more explanation....it was 10 pm when I arrived home...relieved for taking a wise decision but also sad....cuz....


if I can change why cant/wont you????

Mmmmm....I guess

Not my words but it suits best....

Excruciating heartache pounding on my chest to free

itself of captivity.

Wanting so much to make the person it loves trully

happy.

Those tales of the broken heart are not forgotten.

Heart is kept in captivity to be guarded and watched.

To never go through a similar tale again.

Yet heat hurts because it's love is forcing it to forget.

Therefore, the blood is falling with no signs of stopping.

The pools of it filling the captivity drowning the heart.

Heart wants to make the love happy but at what price is

it willing to risk it or the love willing to risk it's well-

being?

How far will they both go?

The answer is until one no longer exists like before.

and another one......

A thousand fair suitors all stab at your heart

Those poets of movement and jockeys of art

The high-volume vendors who hustle romance

Splashing their canvas with color and dance

The blasters of trumpets, gold banners unfurled

They offer lush gardens in glistening worlds

Yes, bearers of torches and carvers of stone

Who whisper their sonnets and surrender their thrones

And there in your doorway, no shadow is cast

No lingering voices, no ghosts from the past

Just a cluster of walls, and a window of pain

Collecting the heartache like droplets of rain

Still I stand before you, with palms to the sky

No gold in my pocket, no thorn in my side

And all I can offer, where words have no place

Is a body that trembles, and this love that awaits

and the last one.....

I never really know how you feel

I can't read your mind

I just keep waiting ...

What Gives Meaning to my Life?

      The meaning of life constitutes a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of existence and/or biological life in general. This concept can be expressed through a variety of related questions, such as Why are we here?, What is life all about? and What is the meaning of it all? It has been the subject of much philosophical, scientific, and theological speculation throughout history. There have been a large number of answers to these questions from many different cultural and ideological backgrounds.  What is the meaning of life? What's it all about? Who are we?  Why are we here? What are we here for? What is the origin of life? What is the nature of life? What is the nature of reality?  What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of one's life?  What is the significance of life? What is meaningful and valuable in life? What is the value of life?  What is the reason to live? What are we living for?

      MANY people are living for money and for what it can buy. Some live to make a name in the world. Others live to perfect their artistic skills. There are also those who live to help others. But many do not know what they are living for or why they are here.

What about me? Have I seriously thought about the reason why I am here? Why not consider some human pursuits to see if they really bring a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of satisfaction? What makes a meaningful life possible?

A BUDDHIST religious leader, the Dalai Lama, said: "I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness." He then explained that he believed that happiness can be achieved by training, or disciplining, the mind and the heart. "A mind," he said, "is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness." Belief in God is unnecessary, he maintains, and that is where I differ with this great religious leader...I have tried to train my heart and my mind..but it is difficult...once someone told me that to be happy in this life you need 3 things to be happy you have to be accomplished Personally, Professionally and Spiritually, but you cannot attain one without the other...

I have to go back to my roots,23 years ago in order to find the happiness I am seeking for to get rid of all the feelings I had in my last post...something I have tried to do but failed something I know deep withing my heart is the way to go but have denied it for so long, its like a knife tied to my heart going in circles...at first it hurt so much but then with time the knife became dull I even forgot it was there..but it comes back once in a long while it comes back....what is it you might wonder my roots...God is my root where I was born into...but decided tht they had to many rules to follow, not sex until marriage, please I live for that...no drinking mmm, ive been drinking since the age of 12 and im still alive, there was always an excuse but in the end its true...not precisely religion but what the bible has to tell me...cuz I always have believed the bible to be a true book I can sit down with anyone and argue any point they want with the bible and nothing else...I can recite many verses of it and know it to be true...so why do I eagerly stay away from it...the easy life...but according to the Bible, true happiness does not depend upon wealth, fame, artistic accomplishments, or philanthropic pursuits. Rather, it depends on satisfying our spiritual need—the need to worship God.

          Many people live to make a name for themselves. The desire to make a name, wanting to be remembered by others, is not necessarily bad. “A name is better than good oil,” says the Bible, “and the day of death than the day of one’s being born.” On the day of death, the record of the entire life of a man has been written, so to speak. If he has accomplished positive things, the day of that person’s death is far better than the day of his birth when the record was totally blank, so I tried to live to a name a reputation of the hardest guy you can know...and I came very close to being lost in the abyss...very much so....but what kept me back...I dont think it was myself...so I have to go back to my roots...start believing again and sometimes that means separating myself from people that dont agree with me and people who instead of telling me what a beautiful day it is telling me how bad the guy next door treated them, it wont happen overnight but that is my plan right now I will just enjoy my last days of being locked withing myself and look forward to the they I can truly write another post and tell you how happy I am truly happy, so dont think I am a changed man right now cuz im not I will still enjoy a drink or a smoke...but I will work hard on getting there dont know how long it will take....but eventually

I feel like killing, burning and raping

As the title suggests, I have a lot of deep seated hatred. I want to rape and kill random people, just to see them squirm around with tears of pain in their eyes. I want to burn their houses and rob them of their little possessions just to shove it all in their... I know this hate is toxic, but no amount of anything that I do seems to lower it. Over the past several years it has grown despite my efforts to relieve myself and slowly become a happier person. I want to lead a good life. I want to enjoy it. But, more often than not, I find myself remembering all of the bad things that happen and I can't help but feel that no one cares [though they claim that they care, family and friends this, sentimental that]. I want to make them care by ripping their wrists and ankles with piano wire. I want to beat the shit out of these stupid asholes, just to see those little tears of joy!!! I've heard a lot of bullshit and have tried the said methods. Things like "fake it till you make it", but this hate isn't like a switch that I can just turn off. It seems that I can only suppress it to pass as "normal", only to find that I wake up the next day wanting to take a kitchen knife and stab my sleeping neighbor in the back of the neck. I am so sociopathic it scares me and at the same time it's almost soothing. The thought of brutally torturing these mindless, shortsighted, cowardly, over critical, conceited little shitheads we call humans is one of the most effective mood lifters I have. I am afraid that I will lead myself into an insatiable desire to torture and kill person after person [I've had thoughts about bathing in blood while the victim is still barely alive, just to see the expression on what's left of their face]. I really, don't want to be a monster. I want to have a wife and two kids, but part of me wants to lead a different life.

I don't think I actually want to do this kind of stuff. But, I imagine this stuff too often for it to remain a fantasy, so it either needs to go or I will quell it the only way I know how, cuz frankly, I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.

Feelings....

I dont know how to start this blog , and I dont know wether its for my benefit or someone else....I took this personalty test or psychology test just to see where I am at and it makes me laugh cuz you some stuff in it that are true but realize that sometimes it isnt you...here are the answers I got:

"Unfulfilled hopes have lead him to be cautious and mistrusting. Insists he have full control over his actions and will not let anything hold him back or stand in his way. Unwilling to give up or surrender anything and demands a promise of safety against future setbacks or loss of status."

I just let a friendship go...for that same reason being cautious and mistrusting but its more mistrust of myself...and I do have to control of what I do...although its hurting me to the bones what I did...and a second doesnt go by that I dont feel like talking or hearing the laughter or the complaints...

"Has high emotional expectations and desires to be the center of attention, which makes it difficult to find a satisfying relationship. His reserved, cautious nature makes him emotionally distant. "

I dont feel I need to be the center of attention however I do have emotional expectations for that same reason I drive people way and there I am emotianlly distant myself...although people can understand that I havent met anyone that will come back and try to keep that friendship....(thats another debate I will talk in a different post)

"Emotionally demanding and will involve himself in close relationships but won't get too involved or give too much of himself.

For that same reason I distanced myself cuz its difficult to give myself in....and no one has ever tried to go deeper inside of me.

"Believes his hopes and dreams are realistic and sticks to them stubbornly, even though circumstances are forcing him to compromise. Very precise in the qualities he seeks in a partner."

Dont know what to say to this... I do know what I am looking for, open minded people that dont judge and are willing to try anything once...that can talk for hours with out being bored

"Forces himself to remain calm under pressure, but hiding his emotions wears on him. He is looking for a safer way to deal with his problems, and searching for a chance to recover."

Thats the same reason I dont pick up the phone and call her....I have to be calm and controlled although it does wear on me......





You give my life purpose
i never known anyone
who could make me
smile and laugh so much
i can honestly say
that you literally mean everything to me
i can find no faults in you
each time i fall
your there to catch me
theres soo much more i wanna say
but youve heard it all before
your really one of a kind
i dont know
where id be now
if you hadnt came into my life
its weird thinking
we only met by chance
but look at us now
we can hardly bare
to be away from eachother
i like what we have
and i admire every part of you
i can never fully express
everything you are to me
theres no words
to describe
how you make me feel


I love you always and today

I could use a friend
Who wouldn't forget me
Wouldn't deny me
and know what I see

This goes for an old friend
Who I know longer talk to
It goes for .....
Who was great and true

She was my best friend
But now we barely talk
remember everything we did
All the long walks

The sleepover, and shopping
the ecstacy, and walk in parks
food shopping at eleven o'clock
Crying for a dramatic happening

We went through good and bad
anything you could think of
She was a perfect friend
Someone easy to love

I miss her badly, to bad we separated.
Went our separate ways to different schools
She still lives around the block
But with different friends that must be cool

I would love to catch up on time
Talk and go for our walks
Stay up late and making silly dances
But she still is my lucky shamrock

A true friend she still is
And a true friend to cry too
Someone I dearly miss
A true friend who misses me too


That is you babe!!!