As the title suggests, I have a lot of deep seated hatred. I want to rape and kill random people, just to see them squirm around with tears of pain in their eyes. I want to burn their houses and rob them of their little possessions just to shove it all in their... I know this hate is toxic, but no amount of anything that I do seems to lower it. Over the past several years it has grown despite my efforts to relieve myself and slowly become a happier person. I want to lead a good life. I want to enjoy it. But, more often than not, I find myself remembering all of the bad things that happen and I can't help but feel that no one cares [though they claim that they care, family and friends this, sentimental that]. I want to make them care by ripping their wrists and ankles with piano wire. I want to beat the shit out of these stupid asholes, just to see those little tears of joy!!! I've heard a lot of bullshit and have tried the said methods. Things like "fake it till you make it", but this hate isn't like a switch that I can just turn off. It seems that I can only suppress it to pass as "normal", only to find that I wake up the next day wanting to take a kitchen knife and stab my sleeping neighbor in the back of the neck. I am so sociopathic it scares me and at the same time it's almost soothing. The thought of brutally torturing these mindless, shortsighted, cowardly, over critical, conceited little shitheads we call humans is one of the most effective mood lifters I have. I am afraid that I will lead myself into an insatiable desire to torture and kill person after person [I've had thoughts about bathing in blood while the victim is still barely alive, just to see the expression on what's left of their face]. I really, don't want to be a monster. I want to have a wife and two kids, but part of me wants to lead a different life.
I don't think I actually want to do this kind of stuff. But, I imagine this stuff too often for it to remain a fantasy, so it either needs to go or I will quell it the only way I know how, cuz frankly, I don't know how much more of this crap I can take.
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