Lost in thought

I was sitting right in front of the ticket counter at the airport, lost in thought struggling with my emotions and looking at life coldly, where I have been and where I am heading....knowing I had said goodbye to people I really didnt care for except one, but most important my past and my future...I was lost in thought....to an afternoon in 1997....where I had assaulted a guy and stolen his car....running from the police and my stomach turning when I heard a siren or looking over my shoulder certain someone was behind me...or another night when I escaped from a jail and had police chasing me for an hour and a half and had a car accident....but at then end getting caught....and losing my freedom...my freedom which I didnt have for many years, something I hold dear to me....and I come back from my thought with her question....will I buy it?....my ticket out of here to a suppodesly change of life....a new beginning with a bad start...I told her to give me a minute....Im still struggling I bought my dogs cage to travel....I have her health certificate....my stuff is ready...I should go and forget everything here everyone...here nothing left for me.....I should go.....but hold on a minute....

lets think about my future now....I arrive to where Im headed....rent a place....spend new years partying like there is no tomorrow...yet my heart is empty...I left someone behind...I promised I wouldnt leave....then all I had finishes, cant get a job...I have to start dealing again...start bashing in heads....start earning respect again...where I dont need to earn it ....Ive had it its nice, its great....but its my past all over again....and like a great American philosopher once said "those who do not remember their past are condemned to repeat it..." and o how I remember my past and I dont want it anymore....

also there is a promise I made...I will be near you always...although I find it difficult that you will call...although I wish with all my heart you tried....but if you dont want it I cant force it and thats the best love I can show you....like another saying in spanish goes... "dejala ir y si regresa es para ti y si no nunca lo fue..." although it aches my heart more than I can express with words to let her go....but you have to learn your own...way...and maybe see that what my heart wants for you is pure...and when you are with someone else you will remember me....I am sure of that....even though if its for a little while....and then you forget me....but...my love for you although is not granted is there.....

So again they ask me if I want my ticket and I say no....I go back to my house....expecting that one tuesday...you arrive....that day will always be free...for you....I know you understand all I have said....

I need no more explanation....it was 10 pm when I arrived home...relieved for taking a wise decision but also sad....cuz....


if I can change why cant/wont you????