Difficult??

I havent written in so much time I dont know what to put down....what should it be?? maybe why is it hard for me to have a normal relationship with people whom I truly enjoy their company....maybe its because Im so jealous of my friendship...with them....or maybe because....I honestly dont know why.,...just like its hard for me to understand why I cant  have a girlfriend....since I can have plenty of lovers....what do I need to change for that to happen??? Can someone help me with that?? I pretty much doubt it....change is within, but what is it that I need to change?? I thought I knew myself but Im starting to figure out that I dont know myself at all...or is it the midlife crisis everyone so much talks about...I havent been able to mature...like I should...havent I let go of my demons from the past?? I thought I had....so what is it that makes it so difficult....someone answer for me...if you dare....

mmmm

       It has been 8 months ....since I stopped by to write something down....cant say it was because I didnt have time cuz ive hads lots of time before...its just that I didnt have anything to say...just like now....have nothing to say....still same old shit just a different day....so fuck this blog.....until next time c ya

Beliefs

I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my personal beliefs. I believe that everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can direct. I believe that the Laws of Karma do not apply to show business, where good things happen to bad people on a fairly regular basis. I believe that what doesn't kill us makes us bitter. I believe that the obsessive worship of movie, TV and sports figures is less likely to produce spiritual gain than praying to Thor. I believe that Larry was a vastly underrated Stooge, without whom Moe and Curly could not conform to the comedy law of three (thanks, Lee).I believe that if you can't find anything nice to say about people whom you've helped to make wildly successful and then they stabbed you in the back, then don't say anything at all. I believe I have a great dog, maybe the greatest dog in the whole wide world, yes, she is! I believe that beer is a gateway drug that leads, inevitably, to vodka and somebody oughta do something about it.I believe that the guy who invented those speed bumps in the freeway that snap you back into consciousness when you're drifting into a nearby semi should be given a big hug. I believe that there are actually several cures for the summertime blues. I believe that in my earlier statement of beliefs, I erroneously believed that beer was a gateway drug that led to vodka. After intensive consultation with my pillow Beer is good. Especially beer brewed by major manufacturers, and enjoyed in a responsible fashion. I believe I've spent my life expecting people to behave in a certain way. I believe that when they didn't behave according to my expectations, I became angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful. I believe these expectations are the reason I've been angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful more than I care to admit. As a result, I now believe my expectations are the real problem. I believe that everyone has this very same problem, and they ought to start acting accordingly.I believe that El Niño is an international conspiracy perpetrated by evil roofing contractors. I believe it's high time The Beatles came clean on that whole "Paul is dead" thing. I believe that anyone who can read and speak clearly can be a network news anchorperson -- but not necessarily a weatherman. I believe that if I rid myself of insatiable cravings, lusts, paranoia, deep-seated anger and ill-will towards others, I'll be a much better person. I believe that TV is the cause of all the violence and immorality in our society -- ha! just kidding. Well, that's all for now

FASHION

Fashion. Whatever can people be thinking? Do they think fashion is something that changes according to the season of the year? Did they really come from all corners of the world to show off their dresses, their jewellery and their collection of shoes? They don’t understand. ‘Fashion’ is merely a way of saying: ‘I belong to your world. I’m wearing the same uniform as your army, so don’t shoot.’




Ever since groups of men and women first started living together in caves, fashion has been the only language everyone can understand, even complete strangers. ‘We dress in the same way. I belong to your tribe. Let’s gang up on the weaklings as a way of surviving.’



But some people believe that ‘fashion’ is everything. Every six months, they spend a fortune changing some tiny detail in order to keep up their membership of the very exclusive tribe of the rich. If they were to visit Silicon Valley, where the billionaires of the IT industry wear plastic watches and beat-up jeans, they would understand that the world has changed; everyone now seems to belong to the same social class; no one cares any more about the size of a diamond or the make of a tie or a leather briefcase. In fact, ties and leather briefcases don’t even exist in that part of the world; nearby, however, is Hollywood, a relatively more powerful machine – albeit in decline – which still manages to convince the innocent to believe in haute-couture dresses, emerald necklaces and stretch limos. And since this is what still appears in all the magazines, who would dare destroy a billion-dollar industry involving advertisements, the sale of useless objects, the invention of entirely unnecessary new trends, and the creation of identical face creams all bearing different labels?



How ridiculous! I cannot conceal my loathing for those whose decisions affect the lives of millions of honest, hard-working men and women leading dignified lives and glad to have their health, a home and the love of their family.

How perverse! Just when everything seems to be in order and as families gather round the table to have supper, the phantom of the Superclass appears, selling impossible dreams: luxury, beauty, power. And the family falls apart.

The father works overtime to be able to buy his son the latest trainers because if his son doesn’t have a pair, he’ll be ostracised at school. The wife weeps in silence because her friends have designer clothes and she has no money. Their adolescent children, instead of learning the real values of faith and hope, dream only of becoming singers or movie stars. Girls in provincial towns lose any real sense of themselves and start to think of going to the big city, prepared to do anything, absolutely anything, to get a particular piece of jewellery. A world that should be directed towards justice begins instead to focus on material things, which, in six months’ time, will be worthless and have to be replaced, and that is how the whole circus ensures that the despicable creatures gathered together in Milan remain at the top of the heap.

FASHION!!!

“Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.

This world

          My blog has been with a lot of dust...lately...have had no inspiration whatsoever....I am normally not a writer dont know what to say...never was a man with many words....but I guess I have to keep up with what I started....

      I can never understand why people get so upset....with new laws coming out or what is going..on this world...there isnt much we can do...well except one...a rise against the government since it is our fault that we let it become where it is today....

  I.E. the law that they are passing in Arizona....all it causes is hatred for everyone living there and the world a hate that is well founded...since the law is stupid by itself....that goes agains all freedom the United States is so proud of...the one that was founded by their forefathers.....who were all immigrants to begin with...but they are so blinded by their powers, by thier hatred of one another...by their selfishness....

     In my own country...government not doing anything against cases...like the fire in the care centers or the paullette case....cases that could have been resolved by now....by competent law enforcers...but we live in a society that is blinded by racism...a different kind of racism....poor against rich.....people who have nothing,  being poorer by that same people that commit these crimes rich people who still keeps everyone in the dark side of whats going...a society controlled by certain families with enough wealth to control every aspect of our lives.....a life that every one agrees to...by buying their merchandise or watching thier progarms....or even listening to ther idiotic ideas....where for most people is soccer....the escape goat to all of our daily problems...to others is talking about how we are victims of our society...and to the very few who actually try to do something regarding to it....

    So either just accept the fact....or start a revolution...when you do...give me a call...Ill be the first one in line....and I will personally shoot...everyone until then....quit your complaining....and Ill keep watching soccer....


Life is equality,


Life is hardships,

Life is cruel,

Life is love.



You and me,

You and I,

We are not so different,

A strange bond holds us tight.



Your skin colored,

Mine brown,

I always thought they mixed.



The KKK,

Can't they learn to spell 'C'lan correctly,

It seems,

They are the inferior ones.



Hate holds our lives together,

Yet so does love,

How can these two live in harmony,

An impossible question.



Why hate?

Then, why love?

Emotions swirl,

Friendships are ruined.



There is no difference,

Black or white,

Red or yellow,

Person or person.



We are all the same on one level,

We all live on this Earth,

Every race, religion, thought, idea,

We all live together,

Equality is just around the corner.



If you let it be.


  so just let it be...and maybe we will find the equilibrium we are so desperately searching for.....

until next time...

Insecure....not at all....stupid is just the beginning

       It was around 7:15 when she interrupted my class...I remember her clearly....wearin jeans, a white blouse and a black leather jacket when she came in and apoligized for being late....a true beauty just walked into my 2nd level class at Quick Learning....and I struggled to teach the rest of my class without staring at her constantly...I dont remember anything else about that class that particular day...just that 3 hours later it was finished and she walked out my class as I dismissed the rest of the students she walked out in a hurry....and I had to run to catch her downstairs and outside waiting for someone...I approached her and asked why I havent seen her before...and she told me that she had missed classes the whole week at the other branch near her house... in Ecatepec....so she came to Lindavista  to catch up....I mustered the courage to as her for her number and told her I would be waiting for her next class the following week....then she left....walked away...heels clicking on the pavement....I remember that day clearly as she jumped into a truck and dissappeared out of my sight.

     Thats how a long courting started in the year of 2003...with Anahi Alvarado...my most passionate relationship I ever had...

     She didnt come back for months...and I didnt call her I couldnt find the words....if I did call her that is...until she came in one Saturday...it was a long day I wasnt teaching 2nd level I was teaching  8th level but during the breaks we would talk...and she would laugh...it was like music to my ears...her smile the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed...it was a beautiful sight...and at 3:30 when classes were done I invited her to eat at the mall near the school...and to my surprise she accepted....but she said she had to leave quick cuz she had a birthday party to go to...well we didnt leave the coffee shop until 6pm...we just talked and talked and talked about nothing and everything....and we could have gone for more hours...but she said it was a bday party for a family of her boyfriend at that time....who she wasnt so much in love with anymore....but felt a commitment to....so she left.....I kept on seeing her and we kept on talking for a while until I told her what I felt everytime I saw her and everytime she didnt come how I always expected her to show up...it was funny how she told me that I told her that to all the girls at the school...which was partly true..come on I was a teacher with bunch of students....it was heaven for me....but with her it was different...and I let her know that....she just smiled.....

    All of a sudden she left......I didnt see her for months....and I called her house and her mom told me she had taken off to Chicago to work and live...she didnt even say goodbye....and we talked and she had said she was sorry I didnt know for what until that moment....she left it hurt me but I called her mom every other week to ask if she had called and if she did to tell her I said hi and that I missed her....her mom didnt even know me but she was nice enough to pass the message along....I kept doing that for about 6 months until one night she called me and said that she was gonna stay in Chicago for another 6 months and to forget about her...I told her that  I couldnt ....it was impossible and that I would wait for her....and wait I did of course I didnt stay celibate...things changed in my life I changed jobs went to work to the best job I ever had....I had gone to Phoenix thru the desert illegaly and came back and had a so called girlfriend (thats another story) who I left when I went to Arizona and then when I came back...found a job in RCI and still kept calling Anahis` house just to check on her.

    My heart skipped a beat when I called her home and it was she who answered the phone and not her sister or her mom...and told me she had came back....damm the was the best feeling in the world, undescribable....it was around september....and we immediately started seeing each other....catching up on things, she telling me about chicago and me telling her about my adventures thru the desert and it was great because we could talk about so much and for hours in a day...I remember clearly when I came to stay on a trip to Velas and Grand Velas for a week she called me upset cuz I hadnt called her it was great to me, cuz I knew she felt something...and as soon as I went home I told her to be my girlfriend which she said NO...she wasnt ready....that sucked....it was horrible...but I didnt give up and I invited her to my Birthday vacation....in Acapulco she said yes....it was awesome we stayed at the Mayan Palace....and all my close friends were there....Fernando Abrego, his girlfriend at that time, my sister Karla and her best friend Jessica and all my family that lives in Acapulco...we partied but most of all I was happy cuz I was with the most beautiful woman hands down...I had eyes for no other woman....

     We were in our room a 3 bedroon suite at the Mayan Palace my sister and her friend in one room and Ana and I in ours....we had slept together and kissed but had done nothing yet....I was nervous like i it were my first time...and we were kissing and caressing each other oh dear god how I wanted to take her at that moment but she said no yet again....but to me it was fine I was willing to wait until she was ready and we didnt do anything that night...needless to say I got blue balls...but I guess that was it for her...she understood I wasnt just trying to get on her pants...and when we went back to the city she agreed to be my girlfriend in a parking lot under a mall...

      She was crying when she said yes...and thats how our relationship started...and needless to say our first time was great in a small town we when for the weekend with scented candles and all....but I think thats when my insecureness started when she said yes i was fine when we were not bf and gf but she was beautiful and I was insecure so I started becoming jealous we lasted a while but I always blamed her for us breaking up but I have to tell the true story of me and my insecureness and the most stupid thing I ever did in my life....

     Before I do that I want to make it clear that we were great together we did many things together, visited many places together and her family welcomed me in her house parties we when to...with her sister and her friends and it was great...she was and probably still is the best....person I have ever been with....with the most noble heart and beautiful beyond measures at least to me she was...

      I was already being jealous telling her she was with someone else...and shit like that...but she wasnt it was me being insecure...and  the most stupid thing I ever did...

     Well...one day I bought a balloon saying I love you and I took her to her job and left it on the windshield of her car...and left, I called her and told her I would be coming to pick her up and we should go to the movies....and I arrived early waited by her car with and angry look on my face and started making a fuzz about the balloon...the balloon I had left....to this day I dont know why I did that...but she denied it of course and we got into an argument a pointless argument...and we broke it off...I went to a hotel upset angry at her and I called her and told her I would kill myself and acted like I did....well....that ended a relationship that could have been going on to this day....because of me....me being INSECURE and we parted ways.....she traumatized by my drama....and we are not in talking mode to this day...I mean we have talked I spoke wit her about 1 year and a half ago...but now she is married and I heard she has a child, she got married to an architect....which in a way is best for her.

   Me, I think thats where my spiral downward begin...I had a great job I left it moved to cancun moved back to the city and then moved to Vallarta...and here I am writing this something I should have done long ago....

  So Ana, if you ever read this...know that you will forever have a special place in my heart....although Im pretty sure you are over me I will always wish you the best in life...and if you ever want to talk again...you know how to find me....let me be clear on something...I am over you too..but I guess I just had to get something of my chest this big....although you knew...and like you told me I am the one that taught you how to love...you are the one that made me be more secure....it was something I learned afterwards and too late but I learned and like I said you will always be remembered and in my heart

   So there you go....that is the story of my life......there is a picture of both of us in better days....

 

More memories....

  I was watching the movie...Blow with Johny Depp and Penelope Cruz which is a movie related to George Jung (close friend of Pablo Escobar) and I started thinking of my days..when I was dealing drugs never on that scale but it was big for my age (14) and just remembered all my time as a vato loko from the East Side Duppa Villa Projects....and I started to look up homies from the neighborhood...Lil Man, Bam Bam his brother Porky, Pinky, Smurf (RIP), the twins Traviesa and Shorty, and wonder where they are and how they are...I know nothing from them...Lil man last time I saw him he was in Florence (prison) doing life for the murder of Angel Carbajals death (Michael Carbajals brother) ((if you dont know who Michael Carbajal is look it up!!)) told me the whole story too...what a party it must have been in Bachelors II Club that night... I still have my picture with Lil Man and his wife at my house at my moms place....Bam Bam what can I say of Bam Bam I hung around more with Porky his brother and our last meeting didnt go well got into a fight...he beat the crap out of me he was 18 I was 15...and the twins...crazy twins...Traviesa and Shorty always had better looking girlfriends than me...and I hope they all are ok and not caught up in the same old shit...and I see that a lot of the young homies have facebook and myspace accounts...and there are homies that never knew me...and all the work I put in...but it doesnt really matter now...on one side Im glad I dont know them and Im free as a bird..living life with no worries..on th other hand sometimes I miss that, the partys the thanksgiving bowl agains LVL at edison park (wonder if they still do it) moms sitting on their chairs ready to get into fights too and kids playing on the swings right on Edison Park, and going into Ninth street neighborhoods and WBP and Garfield...or GVP or LCM all those people I knew from way back when....wonder where they are...most likely dead and/or in prison...and if they are doing better I am happy for you and if not...well make the best of it....what a life I have led...and now...sometimes my life seems boring but at the end Im glad Im here alive and breathing...so to all the new homies....put in your work..but remember there is life after the barrio...20th street lives within you...I will always be a DVP u can take the boy out the barrio but you cant take the barrio out the boy...but life is sweeter now..against all odds...so put in your work but there is always another world after the Luke Krohn Projects....go and find it!!!

your homie,
Mr Looney Lokon