My learning of this week!!!

it all started…3 weeks ago…I was looking for a job but then some friends had to come from Chicago…and the it all started the partying I went 6 days partying all night long and being on  the beach all day long getting 3 hours sleep….it was tough (yeah right) so here is a chronological order of what I did those days which was everything but look for a job

Thursday…I met up with them at La Chata good restaurant with a good chicken broth and Patrick and Chad who are younger than Bob who is like 60 years old and they are like 30 and 31 guys who have more money than you and I put together…well maybe not you…cuz I don't know you…but yes you cuz I do know you and these guys spend money like me drinking coke and believe me I drink alot of coke…we we went to Mandala bought a bottle of absolut well they did cuz I hung around Bob since he is the closer friend we bought a Bottle of Ketel One….in case you don't know its good Vodka better than Grey Goose depending on who you ask…(I have a full bottle at home I'm slowly drinking with Arandano juice (cranberry) went to sleep at 8am

Friday…..same shit different day…this time we went to Acqua….got a girl….

Saturday….was the craziest night of all…Cristopher got stupid drunk….we bough 3 bottles and somehow the bill went up to 12,000 pesos glad I wasn't paying (wasn't looking for a job remember) then went to the favorite place Hysteria and got a girl didn't go to sleep like until 9am….damm what a night….I could get into more detail..but some things you just don't say….

Sunday…I almost got into a fight with some guys walking down the street some me get drunk  I was beyond stupid drunk and still got a girl….earlier that day….did her on the beach…later that night…..oh yeah forgot to say same shit different day…by that is the same club every night and same table dance place….they know us by our first name…which is embarrassing sometimes but who cares

Monday…..same shit different day….well I ended up going home early not alone….but I got more sleep that day…..were calling me to go back…but I was happy with what I had at my bed…

Tuesday…last night …slow night…no more energy….couldn't even dance….got home at 3 not alone…..but didn't do much…..I sucked too damm tired…

 

What did I learn this whole week….well I learn I can still last with the best of them….144 hours awake 20 hours sleep and did no drugs….well only the first day…but none afterwards….

 

oh yeah and to look for a job

It saddens me....

    It saddens me sometimes to see....how we get so lost in ourselves that sometimes we dont stop and see what is around us...the people that truly care for you or us....and we dont stop to think if they will be there or not...they are just taken for granted...I myself that always have prided myself in helping anyone that I know that needs it...but that is the cost...of "friends"...good thing I never trusted anyone...and never expect anything in return....although it hurts when years later they admit I was right....or even wrong but I always spoke the truth...never sugarcoated it with what they wanted to hear but with what they had to hear...yet....people like to suffer I guess....myself included....but that is life I guess its a bitch and people can go years without realizing the truth but in the end....when its too late it is realized....when people have moved on and noticed that what they have been living its a lie....an empty lie....so I have to stay true to myself....and let them be a lie to themselves....

Canadians

Welll.......today was a good day, met up with old acquaintances I know all older people, but great people I know and I just came back from a great dinner....had some fish, chicken, salad, lots of Vodka and beer which count the most but its funny I didnt drink much, but we started telling old stories and laughing lots, it had been a while since I truly laughed like that, met new cute girls, and had great talks and good plans

  Its funny how when you think you are down there are always people that bring you back up and to me it means a lot to know people like that although I don't consider friends cuz I am not with them every day or talk to them every day or every week but when I see them its like they never left......all Canadians but the good Canadians....and they always take me into their home and have great times....and always asking Jim for a cigarette and are able to go into their fridge and grabbing whatever....it feels good....same people I spent last New Years I spent it with this New Year well not this New Year but yesterday and today, although only Justin was missing since he didn't come probably back home smoking weed just like we were doing down here, so that refreshes my heart always....and to me thats important have a good heart, many people don't like it or see it as weakness or just plain think I am always will be a curtsy kind of guy but to me its better than what they have, cuz they want or look for stuff I had or already had, and I have to keep my heart like that, they are not my friends cuz they don't know my life and I would never tell them...but they are good people everyone in these condos since I know everyone by their first name....they are good pals.....just wanted to write a little about that, now I am going to take a shower cuz I wrestled with one of the girls....in the pool and I probably stained...and then going back down....cuz there is more vodka and beer waiting.....and she is calling

January 1st 2010

Well....I wanted to write something last night, although I didn't...to me New Year is just another day, although I am used to spending it with someone this year was different, I spent it with my dog watching Dr.House...I went to my roof watched the fireworks and went to bed....it was kind of sad cuz I ended the year in a sad note...no job no money....but thats what I love the most the challenges that life throws me...its where I have to show my self how I can handle myself whether its good or bad...although the most sad I don't have anyone to suffer with and to help you thru those hard times...but thats ok....thats one thing I understood in a relationship I wanted to start...and this year will be different if I want to offer something I have to be more centered and less freaking poor, jaja...but thats ok like I said to myself before whoever wants me will want me for what I am and what I stand for....but I will save money this year.....that is my plan....

   Right now I am sitting at my friends condo in mismaloya....its 7:17pm jacuzzi is hot, quesadillas are ready....the view is breathtaking and what better way to start the year...then this although I want one more thing but that is not in my power to obtain...but thats ok....2010 will bring many surprises....and better stuff....and if doesnt...well thats ok too....cuz I am alive!!!!

  I love you.....and I love myslef too....lets be happy!!!

Lost in thought

I was sitting right in front of the ticket counter at the airport, lost in thought struggling with my emotions and looking at life coldly, where I have been and where I am heading....knowing I had said goodbye to people I really didnt care for except one, but most important my past and my future...I was lost in thought....to an afternoon in 1997....where I had assaulted a guy and stolen his car....running from the police and my stomach turning when I heard a siren or looking over my shoulder certain someone was behind me...or another night when I escaped from a jail and had police chasing me for an hour and a half and had a car accident....but at then end getting caught....and losing my freedom...my freedom which I didnt have for many years, something I hold dear to me....and I come back from my thought with her question....will I buy it?....my ticket out of here to a suppodesly change of life....a new beginning with a bad start...I told her to give me a minute....Im still struggling I bought my dogs cage to travel....I have her health certificate....my stuff is ready...I should go and forget everything here everyone...here nothing left for me.....I should go.....but hold on a minute....

lets think about my future now....I arrive to where Im headed....rent a place....spend new years partying like there is no tomorrow...yet my heart is empty...I left someone behind...I promised I wouldnt leave....then all I had finishes, cant get a job...I have to start dealing again...start bashing in heads....start earning respect again...where I dont need to earn it ....Ive had it its nice, its great....but its my past all over again....and like a great American philosopher once said "those who do not remember their past are condemned to repeat it..." and o how I remember my past and I dont want it anymore....

also there is a promise I made...I will be near you always...although I find it difficult that you will call...although I wish with all my heart you tried....but if you dont want it I cant force it and thats the best love I can show you....like another saying in spanish goes... "dejala ir y si regresa es para ti y si no nunca lo fue..." although it aches my heart more than I can express with words to let her go....but you have to learn your own...way...and maybe see that what my heart wants for you is pure...and when you are with someone else you will remember me....I am sure of that....even though if its for a little while....and then you forget me....but...my love for you although is not granted is there.....

So again they ask me if I want my ticket and I say no....I go back to my house....expecting that one tuesday...you arrive....that day will always be free...for you....I know you understand all I have said....

I need no more explanation....it was 10 pm when I arrived home...relieved for taking a wise decision but also sad....cuz....


if I can change why cant/wont you????

Mmmmm....I guess

Not my words but it suits best....

Excruciating heartache pounding on my chest to free

itself of captivity.

Wanting so much to make the person it loves trully

happy.

Those tales of the broken heart are not forgotten.

Heart is kept in captivity to be guarded and watched.

To never go through a similar tale again.

Yet heat hurts because it's love is forcing it to forget.

Therefore, the blood is falling with no signs of stopping.

The pools of it filling the captivity drowning the heart.

Heart wants to make the love happy but at what price is

it willing to risk it or the love willing to risk it's well-

being?

How far will they both go?

The answer is until one no longer exists like before.

and another one......

A thousand fair suitors all stab at your heart

Those poets of movement and jockeys of art

The high-volume vendors who hustle romance

Splashing their canvas with color and dance

The blasters of trumpets, gold banners unfurled

They offer lush gardens in glistening worlds

Yes, bearers of torches and carvers of stone

Who whisper their sonnets and surrender their thrones

And there in your doorway, no shadow is cast

No lingering voices, no ghosts from the past

Just a cluster of walls, and a window of pain

Collecting the heartache like droplets of rain

Still I stand before you, with palms to the sky

No gold in my pocket, no thorn in my side

And all I can offer, where words have no place

Is a body that trembles, and this love that awaits

and the last one.....

I never really know how you feel

I can't read your mind

I just keep waiting ...

What Gives Meaning to my Life?

      The meaning of life constitutes a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of existence and/or biological life in general. This concept can be expressed through a variety of related questions, such as Why are we here?, What is life all about? and What is the meaning of it all? It has been the subject of much philosophical, scientific, and theological speculation throughout history. There have been a large number of answers to these questions from many different cultural and ideological backgrounds.  What is the meaning of life? What's it all about? Who are we?  Why are we here? What are we here for? What is the origin of life? What is the nature of life? What is the nature of reality?  What is the purpose of life? What is the purpose of one's life?  What is the significance of life? What is meaningful and valuable in life? What is the value of life?  What is the reason to live? What are we living for?

      MANY people are living for money and for what it can buy. Some live to make a name in the world. Others live to perfect their artistic skills. There are also those who live to help others. But many do not know what they are living for or why they are here.

What about me? Have I seriously thought about the reason why I am here? Why not consider some human pursuits to see if they really bring a sense of accomplishment and a feeling of satisfaction? What makes a meaningful life possible?

A BUDDHIST religious leader, the Dalai Lama, said: "I believe that the very purpose of our life is to seek happiness." He then explained that he believed that happiness can be achieved by training, or disciplining, the mind and the heart. "A mind," he said, "is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness." Belief in God is unnecessary, he maintains, and that is where I differ with this great religious leader...I have tried to train my heart and my mind..but it is difficult...once someone told me that to be happy in this life you need 3 things to be happy you have to be accomplished Personally, Professionally and Spiritually, but you cannot attain one without the other...

I have to go back to my roots,23 years ago in order to find the happiness I am seeking for to get rid of all the feelings I had in my last post...something I have tried to do but failed something I know deep withing my heart is the way to go but have denied it for so long, its like a knife tied to my heart going in circles...at first it hurt so much but then with time the knife became dull I even forgot it was there..but it comes back once in a long while it comes back....what is it you might wonder my roots...God is my root where I was born into...but decided tht they had to many rules to follow, not sex until marriage, please I live for that...no drinking mmm, ive been drinking since the age of 12 and im still alive, there was always an excuse but in the end its true...not precisely religion but what the bible has to tell me...cuz I always have believed the bible to be a true book I can sit down with anyone and argue any point they want with the bible and nothing else...I can recite many verses of it and know it to be true...so why do I eagerly stay away from it...the easy life...but according to the Bible, true happiness does not depend upon wealth, fame, artistic accomplishments, or philanthropic pursuits. Rather, it depends on satisfying our spiritual need—the need to worship God.

          Many people live to make a name for themselves. The desire to make a name, wanting to be remembered by others, is not necessarily bad. “A name is better than good oil,” says the Bible, “and the day of death than the day of one’s being born.” On the day of death, the record of the entire life of a man has been written, so to speak. If he has accomplished positive things, the day of that person’s death is far better than the day of his birth when the record was totally blank, so I tried to live to a name a reputation of the hardest guy you can know...and I came very close to being lost in the abyss...very much so....but what kept me back...I dont think it was myself...so I have to go back to my roots...start believing again and sometimes that means separating myself from people that dont agree with me and people who instead of telling me what a beautiful day it is telling me how bad the guy next door treated them, it wont happen overnight but that is my plan right now I will just enjoy my last days of being locked withing myself and look forward to the they I can truly write another post and tell you how happy I am truly happy, so dont think I am a changed man right now cuz im not I will still enjoy a drink or a smoke...but I will work hard on getting there dont know how long it will take....but eventually